If Tampon Ads Were Honest (Also Maxi Pads & Other “Feminine Products”)
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If Tampon Ads Were Honest (Also Maxi Pads & Other “Feminine Products”)

– Hello ladies. When you are experiencing the effects of your monthly menstrual cycle, does blood come out of your vagina at the most inconvenient times? Are you tired of ruining
your best clothes? Does the idea of playing
sports or even just standing up and feeling like a jellyfish glorped out of you make you nervous? Hello. My name is Roger Horton,
and I’m here to sell you our Horton Family Vaginal
Blood Absorbency Sticks. Our Vaginal Blood Absorbency
Sticks are pretty good at soaking up a majority
of that monthly shedding of uterine lining, and we think
you’ll be moderately pleased with how they improve your life. We want you to know that your shark week will be mostly mess free when
you use our absorbent sticks. (laughs) And we’ll never say period. We’ll always use a slightly embarrassing or straight up shaming
euphemism for the thing that almost every fertile woman has to do. To convince you to buy our
product we’re currently playing trendy, upbeat
music while simultaneously inundating you with images of active and seemingly carefree young women who are not currently
experiencing the effects of menstruation. This will make you wish to
also be happy and carefree while not currently experiencing
the cramping, nausea, headaches or whatever personal effects of menstruation you get
which is obviously something that our fluffy, absorby
stick simply cannot deliver. During this time when you
are, as they would say in Spain defrosting the steak. You know because your period is similar to a dead, bloody, slab of meat, see? Everyone, everywhere agrees
that your menstruation is too disturbing and
shouldn’t really be discussed. So we promise to never
show red in our commercials for absorbent vaginal discharge products. Anything that would
normally be described as red such as blood, we are
committed to always portraying as blue. We also promise to exclusively
represent your period with vague images of squiggly
lines, bouncing balls, and balloons. You know, because men
could be watching this, and we don’t want to ick them out. Unless you are younger
than 10 to 14 years of age which is when most women
experience puberty. Every potential baby carrier
is intimately familiar with the menstrual cycle. If your egg hasn’t been
fertilized by a male’s sperm, your body will shed the
bloody, viscous lining of its uterus. Menstrual blood then
oozes out of your uterus through a small opening in your cervix and gushes out of your vagina. Gross. We know. No one wants to sit
around in a sticky cavern of discomfort which is why you should buy our Vaginal Blood Soak ‘Em Up Sticks. Our Soak ‘Em Ups are made
with real, non-organic cotton and rayon along with synthetic
fibers such as viscose rayon which is added to increase absorbency. That’s why our sticks can
carry more than 20 times their weight in blood. Viscose rayon is just a
fancy word for wood pulp. We prepare this pulp for your vagina by using the disinfectant
chlorine dioxide. This process produces
trace amounts of dioxin which is known to cause reproductive and developmental impairment. But don’t worry because
the FDA says that dioxins in our absorbent blood sticks exist at extremely low levels
and are hardly detectable. So keep sticking those
chemicals up there ladies. Hey. Did you know that in Denmark
your period is called Communist in the Gazebo? Get it? Because communists are red,
and so is menstrual blood. Anyway, our competitors may
claim that their product is made by a female
gynecologist but not me. Because I am a man. Which is why you can trust that
I created products designed to keep your Aunt Flo
as discreet as possible. Heads up. Look, gals. The truth is that menstruation
is a bodily function just like pooing or peeing. Most modern women experience an average of 450 menstrual cycles
and are expected to use at least 10,000 hygienic
blood sticks during the course of their child bearing lifetime. So you might as well
stop complaining about it and buy our product. Hell, we’ll even tack on a
luxury tax even though you have to buy this. I mean you could always
just suck it up, right? Just be sure not to leave our sticks of blood absorbing fabric
shoved up inside of you for too long. Otherwise you may run
the risk of developing Toxic Shock Syndrome,
or TSS, which is a rare but life-threatening bacterial infection. But if you don’t want to
shove a potentially poisonous blood rag into your who-ha,
we’re happy to also offer new Horton Family Blood
Absorbing Diaper Stickers. Simply take one of our stickers off of its adhesive backing,
apply it to the inside of your underwear, and
allow yourself the luxury of just simply sitting in
a pool of room temperature liquid all day. But don’t worry we have a
luxury tax for that too. You and your luxurious blood puddle. So the next time you are
riding the crimson wave pick up a box of The Horton Family
Vaginal Blood Absorbency Soak ‘Em Up Sticks. Because they’re probably
better than wearing nothing. Crimson wave was a clueless reference. I’m Roger, by the way. Not sure if I mentioned that earlier.

About Ralph Robinson

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100 thoughts on “If Tampon Ads Were Honest (Also Maxi Pads & Other “Feminine Products”)

  1. Sometimes when I have my period I just want to be naked in the tub bleeding and then wash me so I can be clean and keep doing it all day or during the night wear an adult diaper so I don't stained my clothes and sheets.

  2. Not to mention if you get toxic shock syndrome then the tampon if you ever try to use it again at a act like a projectile so it's a weapon then all you got to do is somebody mess with you is open up your legs and bang bang Shoot Em Up like a bullet

  3. im a trans guy and i dont experience any signs beforehand and the only effect i really get is nausea. a lot of people say its a blessing and all that, but my dysphoria gets EXTREMELY bad during it. mine are also very irregular, a bit better since i got the depo shot twice so far, but i once had 2 every month, several months ago i had one that lasted for 2 weeks, they come and go with no set time at all, and the worst part for me.. i cant prepare for them. it has no signs beforehand, like i said. i can never tell at all before it starts, so im not usually prepared (literally everything about my cycles vary as well, who knows how heavy or light) and also very upset when it decides to show up one day and stay for as long as it feels like staying. again, no set times for mine. they can last for a week, over a week, just under a week, possibly 2 weeks, who knows. theyre usually not that heavy with the flow but whenever they are theyre very heavy and again, completely unexpected. they come at random times, sometimes skip a month or two then shows up twice in a month, thereโ€™s no way to know until it happens. like i said before, the dysphoria makes that a lot worse, especially with my already existing body issues (both severe dysphoria and dysmorphia) and cycles make everything much worse because theyre so unpredictable.

  4. Dude. I remember having my period a few days before my depo shot stopped working and I needed to get it again, i felt something weird and I assumed it was my period just doing it's thing so I started feeling gross and needed to change my pad. I remember going to the bathroom and pulled down my pants and went to the bathroom and when I looked down at my pad to see if it was getting lighter, and I started screaming. Like, I had no damn idea what just came out of me but it was bloody and it looked like flesh. So I started crying and shaking and my grandma came in. So I was legit just panicked because I thought it was a fetus or something. I had bad cramps that day and I assumed I had miscarried or something. But I haven't done anything. Like, when we do have sex, I get sore too quickly and we have to stop. So I knew it couldn't have been an baby or something. It was pretty big tho. I just remember that I called my mom or my aunt (I don't remember) and they told me it was just a part of my uterine lining shedding, so it was nothing serious. So apparently the shot caused something to happen. It was just scary.

  5. ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚ baby when I tell you my neighbors are banging on the walls from me laughing so hard @ 1am… ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ

  6. standing up and feeling like a jellyfish glooped out of your body! always wanted to express this feeling, and he did it!

  7. The FDA needs to get a crackdown and have stricter laws on Period products. I once had a server allergic reaction on my entier feamle area, because the chemicals from the adhesive was aprent all over the dam thing. And poeple think im crazzy for speendinf 3x as much for the pure cotton ones. Fuck off I wouldn't have too ic I could trust companys

  8. This is why I switched to cloth pads, they are actually more comfortable and you never have to buy pads again. Neither does anything down there give off a chemical smell when you're actually done with your period.

  9. This is porn for Prince Charles ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿคฃ. โ€œ Charlie wanted to be a used Tampon from Cowmilla โ€œ ๐Ÿ˜ฑ๐Ÿคฏ๐Ÿ˜ณ๐Ÿ‘ฟ๐Ÿ’ฉโ˜ ๏ธ

  10. Sound off. Name your country if it also has this insane "luxury tax" on menstrual products. I'll start: Australia. Name and shame!

  11. The only thing I can say … Thank GOD! … I am not a woman!!! … I tell that to my sisters when they complain … and … wify too. Tread carefully, when that time comes.

    How do you tell a young lady, about a red stain behind a white pants or skirts??? … I push it to my wife or sister or lady friends … and pretend not to notice anything.

    …. seriously it grossed me out … Some women are not even discrete about how they dispose their pads!!! … Damn, even clogging the toilets with it!!! Those bins have a smell to it … mother, sisters .. chalet room …

    I remember once, when younger 9 – 11 … my friend saw a small nicely wrapped paper packed … and opened it … that damn … idiot .. but it was fun watching his face.

    One way of keeping us men at bay … blood soaked pads … When you suffer, we suffer the most … so damn temperamental!!! … Sisters, girl-friends, wife and daughter.

    Mother and daughter time … I just leave the room … when she started being a young lady … and that the time … they become so famine … canโ€™t play rough with her anymore, play fights … so lady like … but always daddyโ€™s little girl!!!

  12. Well diaper comercials and toilet roll commercials don't show people taking a shit and sticking paper up their ass. Hemoroid creme doesn't show people taking bloody shits. But no, think of the wamen. It's men's fault for periods isn't it?

  13. >uses the fact that tampons has trace amounts of a poisonous chemical as a talking point agains them

    come on them.do one against vaccines you goddamn cowards.do it

  14. I donโ€™t get why avoiding conversation about periods and describing it is some kind of sin against women. Toilet paper ads and diaper ads donโ€™t show simulated shit or say anything about shit.
    And I am an army medic. We carry tampons to control bleeding.

  15. Instead of going to the bathroom. You should try out my "absorb it all" totally non-toxic tubs that you stick up your vagina.
    you've been Roger-ed

  16. I like that Girls hit like on minstrel cycle is very (NATURAL) as men? you should always remind girls that it's (NATURAL) to explain why it happens I don't think it's (FUNNY) & I don't take it serious

    this is a (WOMEN ISSUE) but it's also a (MAN) responsibility to understand it & why it happens Girls don't like buying tamponds/pads so if you are (MAN ENOUGH?). you go & by it for her but I don't find Girl's period a big deal.

    if you make stupid jokes about it? than your sister if you have one? may she fucks you up.
    & if you act like a (KID?) than you are not ready to have a (WIFE) or a girlfriend because having a period? or known as Minstrel cycle is a very complicated (PROCESS)

    I tried to imagine if my cock just so happened to release sperm every 22 days & don't know how many times in a week I be (MAD) & I needed to have a cock diaper to stop sperm from leaking I can't process that.

    & than not only your cock is leaking sperm that it don't need? it need a diaper I be so fucking mad

    I learn women don't get minstrel cycle/bleeding for no reason they get it because it's pregnant eggs cells
    (EXPIRING) & that's the reason for new eggs to be (REBORN) & be ready for when it's time for have a
    (BABY) if that don't happen? than she will go through it (AGAIN) wash rinse repeat.

    I was Happy to learned about that years ago from the many women I had my share wonderful relationships. but I love the video & very funny. but as a Man? know that it's not something women like to hear but most are very (COMFORTABLE) telling you about it if your (MAN ENOUGH/MATURE)

    but if women wanted to make fun of men? they can figure out or tell you how many times you don't get
    (NO PUSSY) while they out beat you in (SEXUAL PARTNERS) in a (LIFETIME) ๐Ÿ˜ฎ๐Ÿ˜‚

  17. Ah yes, the luxury tax. Yeah, having blood gush out of you for a whole week is so luxurious. ๐Ÿ™„๐Ÿ™„๐Ÿ™„

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